I’m back from the future and 2009 was a helluva year in New York sports.
January 1st: a cable outage prevents the metropolitan New York area from watching any college bowl games. Nobody notices.
January 2nd: In the second cable oddity in as many days, YES airs an episode of “Yankees Classics” in which the Yankees lose to the 1985 Orioles 3-2 in ten innings. Immediately following the game the Mark Texieira Yankeeography debuts.
January 3rd: Jets hold press conference in which Brett Favre reads from cue cards. He is pleased to be the “GM & HC of the NYJ.” Coach Favre is unsure if Brett Favre will return as QB in 2009.
January 8th: With the nation getting ready to talk about the BCS Championship, the Yankees offer Manny Ramirez a ten year one billion dollar contract.
January 17th: Andy Pettitte announces “I’ve always been an Astro” and signs a one year deal with Houston.
January 20th: The Yankees hold a noon-time press conference to introduce Manny Ramirez as their new left-fielder and successfully knock Barack Obama off the front page of the Post.
February 1: The Giants defeat the Dolphins in the Super Bowl. After the game Giants ownership announces that because of their inability to compete in the modern NFL, not only will the Giants charge PSLs, the bathrooms will now require a key which can be rented for $10 per game.
February 2nd: Bill Parcells quits the Dolphins and hints that he might like to run the Lions.
February 3rd: The Jets copy the Giants bathroom-key idea, although bathrooms will still be free for the upper deck. Fans from the lower deck are welcome to walk up the ramp to use the free restrooms. In 2009 this passes for fan-friendly.
February 15th: Jimmie Johnson wins the Daytona 500. Nobody up north cares.
February 16th: With Parcells-mania hitting Detroit, Bill drops a hint that he’d really love to run the Atlanta Buccaneers, and this time he isn’t just teasing. When reminded that Atlanta and the Bucs are two different teams Bill yells at the reporter.
April 13: The Mets decide to wait out an April ice-storm, and the first pitch at Citi Field is thrown at 10:07pm. The Mets look stunning in their white pinstripe uniforms, with no names on the back, and blue hats. Johan Santana pitches 8 and a third of one run ball, but K-Rod serves up a two run homer as the Mets lose 3-2.
April 16: On a beautiful 85 degree day with not a cloud in sight and low humidity, the Yankees open their new stadium. C.C. Sabathia throws a perfect game and Jeter, Manny and Tex each get 4 hits. The $20 “Jumbo” beer makes its world-wide debut. The next day on his radio show Michael Kay talks about how he knew fans would show up and that any complaints about the price of tickets were silly.
April 19: With the Mets now 0 and 5, the debut their new all-black uniforms including black pants. Johan Santana pitches 8 and a third of one run ball before K-Rod blows the save in the 9th.
May 2: Jimmie Johnson wins at Richmond, his 11th straight NASCAR victory. Nobody up north notices.
May 5: With the Mets now 7 games back the head writer of Metspolice.com writes his annual “The Math Proves The Mets Are Finished” article. The next day he writes the first of seven “Lee Mazzilli Should Be The Manager” articles that will appear throughout the season.
May 20: A game behind Boston, the Yankees announce that they can no longer compete in modern baseball without PSLs. All fans holding tickets are retroactively billed for $20,000. Michael Kay is heard to say on his radio show that if you can afford $45 seats you can afford twenty grand. After a fan lawsuit, the case winds up before the Supreme Court.
June 14: The Mets-Yankees game is scheduled for 8:05 so Phil Mushnick writes about late starts. Johan Santana holds the Yankees to one run in 8 and a third, but K-Rod gives up a two run homer to A-Rod to blow the game.
June 15: Lazy bloggers write yet another article about the Seaver trade.
June 18: The Chiba Lotte Marines fire Bobby Valentine who mentions that he wouldn’t mind managing the Mets.
July 4: With Dave Righetti in attendance, A.J. Burnett throws a no hitter in front of 128,995 fans at New New Yankee Stadium.
July 5: Bobby Valentine is hired as the Mets international scout. Within two days the Mets announce they have signed “the Japanese Barry Bonds.”
July 14: Andy Pettitte (12-2) edges out Mike Pelfrey (11-1) to start the All-Star Game for the NL. A Yankee starts at every position except second base, including Derek Jeter who is hitting .194.
July 30: Six games back of the Phillies, fans clamor for Omar Minaya to trade for Pettitte. Instead the Mets grab some random middle relievers.
Aug 1: In a game against Arizona, Jerry Manuel finally does go gangsta and stabs Jose Reyes who doesn’t run out a ground ball. Manuel is arrested and replaced by Bobby Valentine. Metspolice.com writes a “Lee Mazzilli should have been the guy” article.
Aug 2: Jose Castillo takes over as Mets SS while Reyes recuperates from stabbing wounds. Meanwhile in the Bronx Derek Jeter is hitting .114 but it’s a clutch .114 not like A-Rod who leads the league with 48 home runs.
Aug 7: The Japanese Barry Bonds makes his debut as the Mets left fielder.
Aug 17: Jets HC & GM Brett Favre offers Kellen Clemens and three #1s to the Patriots in exchange for Tom Brady. Surprisingly the Patriots accept.
Aug 21: With Brady taking the majority of snaps in practice, player Brett Favre announces he will return for 2009. HC &GM Favre installs player Favre as QB1.
Aug 22: The Jets beat the Giants 34-13 in preseason action.
Sep 1: Bobby V has the Mets now just 2 games back.
September 6th: Patriots QB Matt Cassell slips in the shower and is out for the year. Kellen Clemens takes over at QB for the Patriots.
Sep 11: Lazy Bloggers wax poetically about Mike Piazza. In a pivotal game against the Phillies. Johan Santana holds the defending champions to one run in 8 and a third, but K-Rod serves up a two run homer to give the Phils the victory.
Sep 20: Jose Reyes returns from the disabled list to become a bench-warmer to Jose Castillo who is hitting .395 since taking over as SS. Bobby V decides to ride the hot hand.
Sep 28: The Mets are 6 back in the wild card with 6 to play. Bobby V is hoping to catch the Reds for a one game playoff.
September 30: Alex Rodriguez hits his 73rd home run of the season in a 10-1 loss and is booed. Derek Jeter is hitting .085 but fans still love him.
October 3: Johan Santana throws 171 pitches in 10 innings to defeat the Astros and keep the Mets playoff hopes alive.
October 4th: Andy Pettitte outduels Derek Lowe, eliminating the Mets from playoff contention. After the game the Mets hold the ceremony to retire Keith Hernandez’s #17 in front of a half empty stadium.
November 5: The Phillies defeat the Yankees in Game 7 of the World Series. Several Mets observe that the Mets are the better team. Michael Kay observes that if you hold Game 7 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium people will gladly pay $185 to stand.
December 1: The Jets enter December 8-4 with talks of an MVP for Brett Favre and coach of the year for Favre. With games against the 1-11 Dolphins, 2-12 Bills and Bill Parcells’ Jacksonville Jaguars, there is talk about a Week 17 showdown against the 7-5 Patriots.
December 27: The 8-7 Jets need a victory against the Patriots coupled with a Browns loss to gain the final wild card spot. Trailing 24-14 at half-time the HC & GM of the NJY Brett Favre benches QB Favre, and Tom Brady makes his Jets debut in the second half. Brady goes 14 for 14 but it’s not enough to outduel league MVP Kellen Clemens and the Patriots.
,
www.metspolice.com
