The Mets Police

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Jerry is on the couch. Elaine flips through a magazine. Kramer is leaning out the window for no reason. Newman sits at the table eating something crunchy and mysterious.

ELAINE: Gas is five dollars again.

JERRY: Gas doesn’t even have numbers anymore. It’s just… vibes. You pull in, you brace yourself emotionally.

KRAMER: I like it high.

ELAINE: You like high gas prices?

KRAMER: Keeps the riffraff off the road.

JERRY: You are the riffraff.

(The door BURSTS open. STEVE storms in, Mets cap, out of breath but glowing.)

STEVE: He’s coming.

(Beat.)

JERRY: Who’s coming?

STEVE: Thor.

(Kramer gasps. Newman drops a cracker.)

KRAMER: Thor?!

NEWMAN: The arm…

ELAINE: The hair…

JERRY: The ERA…

STEVE: Show some respect! He’s coming over.

ELAINE: Here? Why?

STEVE: He’s consulting.

JERRY: On what?

STEVE: The ballroom.

ELAINE: What ballroom?

STEVE:  The new Citi Field ballroom.

JERRY: Why is there a ballroom?

STEVE: Because people won’t drive to the stadium anymore! Gas prices! You have to give them something extra!

ELAINE: Baseball is the something extra.

JERRY:  Did you consider not charging $50 for parking?

STEVE: This is premium. Chandeliers. Marble. Dancing.

KRAMER: I’m in.

STEVE: Thor gets it.

JERRY: Of course Thor gets it.

KNOCK KNOCK.

STEVE: That’s him. Everybody—be cool.

Kramer straightens up like he’s meeting royalty. Newman wipes his hands on Jerry’s couch.

Jerry opens the door.

Thor stands there, full Thor energy… and a bright red MEGA hat.

 

THOR: Hey.

JERRY: …Hey.

(THOR walks in casually.)

THOR: Nice place.

STEVE: Thor! Great to see you. Love the—uh—hat.

THOR: Says what it needs to say.

JERRY: It’s saying a lot.

STEVE: So I was telling them about the ballroom.

THOR: Ballroom’s a great idea.

ELAINE: You’re pro-ballroom?

THOR: Absolutely. Bring back tradition.

JERRY: Baseball tradition… or ballroom tradition?

THOR: Both.

KRAMER: Yes! Fusion!

NEWMAN: A merging of cultures.

ELAINE: What cultures?!

STEVE: Think about it  People drive out, they watch a game, then they dance.

JERRY: With gas at five bucks, they’re dancing all the way home too.

THOR: People need more than just the game.

KRAMER: Oh, you could get more of the dance team.! They  could teach dance classes between innings!

ELAINE: Between innings?!

JERRY: A slow waltz during a pitching change…

STEVE: You mock, but this is vision.

ELAINE: This is a wedding venue.

JERRY: Yeah, you’re registering for bullpen help.

THOR: You guys don’t get it.

JERRY: Oh, we get it. We just don’t want it.

(Beat.)

JERRY: Well… at least, Steve, you’re rich. You can pay for it.

STEVE: I’m not paying for it.

(Everyone turns.)

ELAINE: You’re not paying for your own ballroom?

STEVE: Why would I pay for it?

KRAMER: That’s a good question.

THOR:  We’ve got private donations.

JERRY: Private donations?

THOR: And Mexico.

(Beat.)

ELAINE: …Mexico?

JERRY: Mexico is paying for the ballroom?

THOR: That’s right.

STEVE: (nodding, like this makes perfect sense) Smart funding.

ELAINE: How is Mexico paying for a ballroom in Queens?

THOR: We put tariffs on WBC tickets.

JERRY: The World Baseball Classic?!

KRAMER: Ohhh, I like this.

ELAINE: You’re taxing baseball fans… to build a ballroom?

JERRY: You can’t just say “Mexico’s paying for it!”

THOR: They are.

JERRY: How do you know they are?!

THOR: They will.

JERRY: And what happens when Mexico doesn’t pay?

STEVE: Then we pivot.

JERRY: To what?!

THOR: You guys are too negative.

JERRY: We’re not negative—we’re grounded in reality!

STEVE: Look, the ballroom is happening.

ELAINE: With or without Mexico?

STEVE: Preferably with.

JERRY: And if the gas prices keep going up, no one’s even getting there!

STEVE: Enough. We’re going to Citi Field.

JERRY: To do what?

STEVE: To feel the ballroom.

THOR: You gotta feel it.

KRAMER: I’m feeling it!

NEWMAN: I’m swaying.

ELAINE: I’m staying.

(THOR adjusts his hat, confident.)

THOR: You either get it or you don’t.

JERRY: I don’t.

(STEVE, THOR, KRAMER, and NEWMAN head out.)

Door SLAMS.

(Beat.)

ELAINE: You think any of that made sense?

JERRY: It’s the Mets.

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

ELAINE is staring at a sad, shriveled plant.

ELAINE: What happened here?

JERRY (casual): Oh yeah… poor thing. I forgot to water it before I went on the road last week.

ELAINE: Forgot to water it? : It’s a plant! That’s the one thing it needs!

JERRY: It had a good run.

Sound effect: BUZZER

JERRY: Come on up.

ELAINE: Why is Steve coming over?

JERRY: He’s bringing a “friend.”

ELAINE: Oh no.

JERRY: Yeah.

DOOR OPENS.

STEVE enters in a Mets cap, overly upbeat. Behind him is CARLOS. smiling like everything in life is going perfectly.

STEVE: There he is!

JERRY: There he is…

STEVE: This is Carlos.

CARLOS (warm, optimistic): Great place. Love what you’ve got going here.

JERRY: You just got here.

CARLOS: I can feel it. Good things.

Carlos spots the plant and lights up.

CARLOS: Oh, look at this! You’ve got some life in here!

Steve grabs the dead plant and holds it up proudly.

STEVE: See? Green little shoots.

CARLOS leans in, nodding.

CARLOS: Yeah… yeah, I like this. This plant’s gonna be okay.

JERRY: No it’s not. It’s dead.

CARLOS (still smiling): I don’t see dead. I see potential.

JERRY: You’re looking at a corpse.

STEVE: How could it be dead? It’s only April. It’s got the whole summer to bloom!

JERRY: It’s not blooming! It’s done blooming!

CARLOS: You gotta give it time.

JERRY: Time for what? A funeral?

Carlos gently takes the plant from Steve… and immediately knocks over a glass of water on the table.

WATER spills everywhere—right onto Steve’s pants.

STEVE (not reacting at all): It’s fine.

JERRY: It’s not fine!

CARLOS: No problem. We’ll clean it up.

Carlos grabs a napkin—knocks over a bowl of snacks. Chips scatter everywhere.

STEVE (still upbeat): Happens! Things happen!

JERRY: Why are you okay with this?!

STEVE: It’s part of the process!

CARLOS (nodding): Exactly. You stay positive.

Carlos goes to set the plant down—misses the table completely. The pot drops. Dirt spills all over Steve’s shoes.

Beat.

STEVE (looking down, then back up, smiling): Little mess.

CARLOS: We’ll regroup.

JERRY: Regroup?!

CARLOS: You don’t focus on the spill, you focus on the next move.

JERRY: The next move is a mop!

Carlos pats Steve on the shoulder—knocking over a lamp. It wobbles… falls… crashes.

Long silence.

STEVE (clapping once, encouraging): Alright! Energy’s still good!

CARLOS (calm, confident): I like where we’re at.

JERRY: Where are you at?!

CARLOS: Right where we need to be.

JERRY: This is where you need to be?!

STEVE: We’re close.

JERRY: Close to what?!

CARLOS: Turning it around.

ELAINE: I’m leaving before he “develops” anything else.

She exits.

Carlos smiles, unfazed.

CARLOS: Strong personality.

KNOCK—KRAMER bursts in.

KRAMER: Hey Jer, you got any—

He stops. Takes in the chaos. Dirt, water, broken lamp, Steve soaked.

KRAMER: …milk.

CARLOS (cheerful): Hey! Great timing.

KRAMER: I don’t think it is.

Kramer slowly backs toward the door.

KRAMER: I’ll get it somewhere else.

He exits immediately. Carlos is back looking at the plant.

CARLOS: It’s getting better. You just have to believe.

JERRY: I don’t believe in the dead plant!

Steve nods, completely convinced.

STEVE: It’s gonna bloom.

JERRY: You’re both insane.

CARLOS (checking his watch, upbeat): Alright, we should get going.

STEVE perks up immediately.

STEVE: Right! Big day.

JERRY: Big day?

STEVE: Big team meeting.

CARLOS: We’re going over projections.

JERRY: Projections?

STEVE: David’s got the numbers.

CARLOS (encouraging): It’s all trending the right way.

JERRY: Nothing s trending the right way!

STEVE (gesturing around): You’re too focused on the now.

STEVE heads to the door, energized.

STEVE: This is where it starts.

JERRY: This is where what starts?!

CARLOS (smiling): The turnaround.

STEVE: C’mon, Carlos. We don’t want to be late.

CARLOS (to Jerry, sincere): It’s gonna bloom.

Carlos exits.

STEVE follows, then pops his head back in.

STEVE: Keep an eye on those shoots!

He disappears.

Door closes.

Silence.

JERRY looks at the dead plant.

Beat.

He picks it up. A chunk of dirt falls off.

Can you believe its that time again?  And only $55!  With free shipping!

 

Winning does not follow Steve Cohen around.  Last night he was at the Knicks game and the Knicks were winning for most of the game….until the very end.  One could call it a collapse.

Friends,

I have been encouraged to issue a MENDOZA WATCH for the New York Mets.  This is stunning because usually we would start at a Mendoza Watch Watch (to see what the media is saying about a Mendoza Watch) or a Mendoza Watch Watch Watch (to see if the media had yet started writing about a Mendoza Watch)

With an off-day today and an 11 game losing streak, things COULD be dire.

The New York Post thinks people are going to pay to read: Carlos Mendoza is shouldering the blame for Mets’ ugly slide — but the biggest flops came above his pay grade.   People are not. We get the point.

NJ.com tells us: Mets players stand up for Carlos Mendoza amid dreadful stretch: ‘It’s not on him’   In that one we are told by Mendoza, ““I’m spending my energy to continue to manage, continue to lead, continue to coach, continue to support. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

Fan-booer Francisco Lindor adds, “He’s done a fantastic job. “This is not on him. He’s made sure everybody here is prepared, every coach here is prepared and we have the information. It comes down on us.”

The Athletic’s Will Sammon says, ““Somehow, Mendoza’s job status has morphed into a daily discussion when it shouldn’t be, based on observations from being around the team and an understanding of how the Mets operate,. He is in his third year as the Mets’ manager. Last year’s stench and the fact that he’s on the final guaranteed year of his contract make him an easy target for speculation.”

Former GM Jim Duqette thinks: “Do I think Carlos is on the hot seat right now? No. But if you get into a month from now or even less than a month from now, and you’re starting to see this team still play the way they are and still having the mental lapses and all of these struggles, I do think he’s going to be getting on the hot seat.”

Casino entrepreneur Steve Cohen has not tweeted since mentioning the Green Shoots.