The Mets Police

INT. METS BOARDROOM – DAY

A long table. STEVE at the head, exhausted. DAVID has a laptop open with charts. LAUREN from communications sits upright with a notebook. CHAD the social media intern is already on his phone. MR. MET just stares, smiling.

STEVE: I can’t take it anymore. Everywhere I go they’re laughing at me.

CHAD: That’s actually really good for engagement, Mister Steve.

STEVE: I don’t want engagement, I want respect!

LAUREN: Respect is a perception metric. We can absolutely reposition…

STEVE: I don’t want to reposition! I want to win!

DAVID: Well… we had a win-adjacent outcome last night.

STEVE: a win-adjacent outcome?

DAVID: Benge got a hit.

Beat.

STEVE: …So?

DAVID: It’s significant.

STEVE: One hit is significant?

DAVID: When you contextualize it against his previous at-bats, it represents a 300 percent increase in positive offensive output.

STEVE: He went from zero to one!

DAVID: Exactly.

LAUREN: There’s a story there.

STEVE: There’s no story!

LAUREN: There’s always a story. This is about perseverance. Growth. A journey.

STEVE: A journey to first base?

CHAD (excited): Oh I love this. Underdog arc. We lean into it. Real gritty. Real internet.

STEVE: No internet!

CHAD: What if we tweet it like it’s a moment. Like… “You witnessed history tonight.”

STEVE: History?!

DAVID: Technically, it is his first hit of the road trip.

STEVE You want ME to tweet about Benge getting a hit?

CHAD: Not just tweet. Thread.

STEVE: No thread!

LAUREN:  We could position it as the beginning of something.  Like green shoots at the start of spring. Growth!

STEVE:  The beginning of something? It’s the middle of nothing!

MR. MET slowly gives a thumbs up.

STEVE: Don’t encourage them!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

ELAINE:  Who’s Benge?

JERRY: Benge?

ELAINE: Yeah. Steve just posted about him like he cured something.

JERRY: Oh, he’s that new rookie outfielder.

ELAINE: Any good?

JERRY: No, he’s awful.

ELAINE: Well he got a hit.

JERRY: That’s the problem. Now they’ll think he’s Babe Ruth.

ELAINE: They posted, “It begins.”

JERRY: It begins what? His batting average reaching .050?

ELAINE: There’s a whole thread. “The grind. The moment. The spark.”

JERRY: The spark?! It’s one hit!

ELAINE: People are arguing in the comments.

JERRY: About what?

ELAINE: Whether this is “the turning point.”

Door bursts open. KRAMER slides in.

KRAMER: Did you see this Benge kid?!

JERRY: You too?!

KRAMER: I’m all in.

JERRY: On what?!

KRAMER: Momentum, Jerry! You gotta recognize momentum early.

JERRY: It’s one hit!

KRAMER: That’s how it starts! One hit… then two… next thing you know—

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: Three!

JERRY: Three hits?!

KRAMER: It builds!

ELAINE: Steve posted Bichette doubled too.

KRAMER: I’m telling you, I’m getting in on the ground floor.

JERRY: I think you’re going to have to take the stairs from the basement to even get to the ground floor.

BUZZER. JERRY opens door. STEVE storms in.

STEVE: They made me do it.

JERRY: Do what?

STEVE: The Benge thing!

ELAINE: Why would you post that?!

STEVE: I didn’t want to! They said it was “a moment!”

JERRY: A moment?! It was a swing!

STEVE: Now people are tagging me!

ELAINE: Of course they are!

STEVE: They’re saying I’ve “lost the plot.”

JERRY: You tweeted the plot!

KRAMER: I liked it.

STEVE: You liked it?!

KRAMER: I felt something.

STEVE: You felt something?!

KRAMER: Hope.

JERRY: Hope?! From Benge?!

Another knock. NEWMAN enters, furious.

NEWMAN: I demand an explanation!

JERRY: Here we go.

NEWMAN: What is this propaganda?!

STEVE: It’s not propaganda!

NEWMAN: You’ve turned the franchise into a punchline!

STEVE: It’s one tweet!

NEWMAN: It’s never one tweet!

JERRY: He’s right. It was also a thread.

ELAINE: A terrible, terrible thread.

STEVE collapses onto the couch.

STEVE: All I wanted… was respect.

JERRY: You could have signed Yanamoto

ELAINE: Or Ohtani

NEWMAN: Or kept Nimmo

KRAMER: Or re-signed Alonso

STEVE: I had a plan!

JERRY: What was the plan?

STEVE: Flexibility!

ELAINE: Flexibility for what?

STEVE: For… options!

NEWMAN: Options?! You let Pete opt-out!!

KRAMER: I like flexibility. I once had a flexible chair.  It folded right under me.

JERRY: That’s your franchise. A folding chair.

STEVE: It’s not a folding chair!

ELAINE: It’s a recliner. You’re laying down.

NEWMAN: You’re horizontal!

STEVE: I am not horizontal!

KRAMER (leaning over him): You’re at least diagonal.

ELAINE: Diagonal’s dangerous. That’s how collapses start.

JERRY: No,  Elaine, I’m pretty sure collapses start with getting swept by Sacramento  and the Dodgers.

 

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY (OPEN)

Jerry is on the couch. Elaine is flipping through her phone.

Door bursts open — Steve storms in, distraught.

ELAINE:  Whoa. What’s wrong with you?

JERRY: You look like you just saw the standings.

STEVE: People are making fun of me.  Me!  Uncle Steve!

ELAINE: Oh, now they’re starting?

JERRY: Why? Because you got rid of all the players people liked…and built the team around a shortstop who told the fans to go to hell?
(shrugs) Surprising!

STEVE: That’s not what he said!

JERRY:  He said it with his thumbs.

STEVE: And now we’ve gotta face Yamamoto… and Ohtani.

ELAINE: Yamamoto and Ohtani? Aren’t those the two Japanese free agents you tried to sign?

STEVE: Yes, Elaine.

ELAINE: And they both said no?

STEVE: They didn’t say no Elaine is as much as they didn’t call me!

JERRY: I told you, you’re supposed to call them.

ELAINE:   Wasn’t your whole thing that you’re a billionaire who signs all the free agents?

Kramer bursts in wearing Knicks gear, excited.

KRAMER: Did you see the Knicks schedule?! Saturday night! Big game!

JERRY: Saturday?

KRAMER: I’m getting ready early, Jerry! I’m transitioning!

STEVE: What about the Mets? We’re playing the Cubs this weekend.

KRAMER: I need something that works!  Jalen!  KAT!  Kolek!

JERRY:  You mean you don’t want to take a cat-nap waiting for the Mets to score a run?

STEVE (snaps): That’s it. I’m calling David.

Steve dials. Puts David on speaker. Everyone leans in.

STEVE: David! What is going on with this team?!

DAVID (calm, analytical): Steve, we’re experiencing negative variance.

STEVE: Negative variance?!

DAVID: Yes. Based on our projections, we should be winning fifty-three percent of games.

STEVE: We’re winning twenty percent!

DAVID: That’s the variance.

STEVE: So your plan is what… wait for it to fix itself?

DAVID: Statistically, yes.

JERRY: Ah, the old “hope the numbers get embarrassed and turn it around” strategy.

STEVE: I’m getting killed out here!

DAVID: Steve, over a long enough timeline—

JERRY: —everyone dies.

(beat)

DAVID:…regression occurs.

KRAMER: I like this variance. Very mysterious. Could be good… could be bad…

JERRY: Right now it’s bad.

STEVE: So we just sit here and lose?

DAVID: Not “lose.” Underperform expectations.

STEVE: The fans are booing!  They’re booing ME! Uncle Steve!

DAVID: Our underlying metrics are strong.

JERRY: What underlying metrics?

DAVID: Hard-hit rate, launch angle, expected—

JERRY: Expected wins?

DAVID: Yes.

KRAMER: Can I bet on expected wins?

DAVID: No.

KRAMER: Then I’m out.

STEVE: So let me get this straight. We’re bad… but secretly good?

DAVID: Precisely.

 STEVE (deflated): Alright… thanks, David.

(hangs up)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT  

Steve slumps on the couch.

STEVE: Variance…

JERRY: You know what variance is?

STEVE: What.

JERRY: It’s when you stink… but you’ve got a word for it.

KRAMER: You know what doesn’t have variance?

JERRY: What.

KRAMER: The Knicks on Saturday.

STEVE: I hate variance.

JERRY: Variance doesn’t hate you.

STEVE:  It doesn’t?

JERRY:  no if it did it would look at you and give you two thumbs down and then bat .176

(beat)

JERRY: It just ignores you… like free agents.

Dear Snowflakes,

Calm down.

Your last place Mets are only two games out of the third wild card.  You know the third wild card, the thing that sometimes Steve Cohen Era Mets teams “win.”

Remember the gimmick team from 2024?  I see you guys reminiscing about them. Remember how they SUCKED and then got hot and then made the third wild card on the final day of the season and then were about to get knocked out when suddenly Pete Alonso got jammed and the ball went to the one part of the park where it would go out?  Manager Carlos Mendoza and the gang?  Remember them?

People who are freaking out today are soft.  I saw someone namecheck Vince Coleman.  Please.  Unless you stared in to the abyss on June 16, 1977 and the four and a half years that followed until April 5, 1983 (IYKYK and if you don’t you wouldn’t understand anyway) then you have no idea what HARD is.

Meanwhile, the Mets are calling up…checks notes….Tommy Pham.  Boy I wish the Wilpons were around to call up Tommy Pham.

The billionaire is the Wilpons with better PR.  Nothing has been accomplished.  We are in Year 6 of the Year 5 plan.  He shows up on twitter when things are good and hides out when they aren’t.  He feeds the media so they say once things (same with Lindor).  He retires numbers and then more numbers and then more numbers.  You worship him and grant him parkland.  Another year goes by without a ring.

I would not be surprised if Steve completes Project Casino Redevelopment and then dumps the baseball team.  Forbes has the Mets valued at $3,500,000,000.  Steve bought the team for $2,420,000,000 or so.  That would be a nice billion dollar profit.  It’s not one point eight billion dollars, but it’s not nothing.

Meanwhile, you’re booing Lindor again just like you did when he first got here.  As soon as he goes three for five you’ll be cheering him even though he did something unacceptable to the customers.  You’re soft and would cheer Jefferey Epstein if struck ten guys out.

And you spent a decade calling ME negative, and you’re upset about being two back of the Third Wild Card on April 13th?

You’re stressed about a few rough days?  Grow a pair of cleats and man up.  Some days you wake up and trading Dave Kingman was only the second most shocking thing that happened.  Sometimes you get shut out by the Sacramento Athletics.

It’s baseball.  They will probably sweep the Dodgers.  LGM.

 

Uncle Steve gave you free tickets and you didn’t even use them.

It appears that the Casino Mogul jumped on twitter for the first time in a while, to comment on the free ticket situation.

I’m kinda with Steve here.  This was a nice thing for the Mets to do – both moving the game, and offering tickets – and people went and did this.

I’m not sure what motivated Steve to jump on or not – usually we only hear from him during winning streaks and never during losing streaks – but it appears to me you have made him sad.

 

Steve this is getting insane now.

My guess is the Mets know this season is a bust and want the nice late season attendance bump.

We’ve gone from not enough to way too many. I couldn’t even remember if 5 had been retired yet or not and had to look it up (it has).

Ok, that’s it.  There isn’t another number to be retired for at least 30 more years,  Cut it out.  Stop.

Also, the Mets used to send stuff out.  I checked with fellow bloggers and they don’t do that anymore.  Oh well.