The Mets Police

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

ELAINE is staring at a sad, shriveled plant.

ELAINE: What happened here?

JERRY (casual): Oh yeah… poor thing. I forgot to water it before I went on the road last week.

ELAINE: Forgot to water it? : It’s a plant! That’s the one thing it needs!

JERRY: It had a good run.

Sound effect: BUZZER

JERRY: Come on up.

ELAINE: Why is Steve coming over?

JERRY: He’s bringing a “friend.”

ELAINE: Oh no.

JERRY: Yeah.

DOOR OPENS.

STEVE enters in a Mets cap, overly upbeat. Behind him is CARLOS. smiling like everything in life is going perfectly.

STEVE: There he is!

JERRY: There he is…

STEVE: This is Carlos.

CARLOS (warm, optimistic): Great place. Love what you’ve got going here.

JERRY: You just got here.

CARLOS: I can feel it. Good things.

Carlos spots the plant and lights up.

CARLOS: Oh, look at this! You’ve got some life in here!

Steve grabs the dead plant and holds it up proudly.

STEVE: See? Green little shoots.

CARLOS leans in, nodding.

CARLOS: Yeah… yeah, I like this. This plant’s gonna be okay.

JERRY: No it’s not. It’s dead.

CARLOS (still smiling): I don’t see dead. I see potential.

JERRY: You’re looking at a corpse.

STEVE: How could it be dead? It’s only April. It’s got the whole summer to bloom!

JERRY: It’s not blooming! It’s done blooming!

CARLOS: You gotta give it time.

JERRY: Time for what? A funeral?

Carlos gently takes the plant from Steve… and immediately knocks over a glass of water on the table.

WATER spills everywhere—right onto Steve’s pants.

STEVE (not reacting at all): It’s fine.

JERRY: It’s not fine!

CARLOS: No problem. We’ll clean it up.

Carlos grabs a napkin—knocks over a bowl of snacks. Chips scatter everywhere.

STEVE (still upbeat): Happens! Things happen!

JERRY: Why are you okay with this?!

STEVE: It’s part of the process!

CARLOS (nodding): Exactly. You stay positive.

Carlos goes to set the plant down—misses the table completely. The pot drops. Dirt spills all over Steve’s shoes.

Beat.

STEVE (looking down, then back up, smiling): Little mess.

CARLOS: We’ll regroup.

JERRY: Regroup?!

CARLOS: You don’t focus on the spill, you focus on the next move.

JERRY: The next move is a mop!

Carlos pats Steve on the shoulder—knocking over a lamp. It wobbles… falls… crashes.

Long silence.

STEVE (clapping once, encouraging): Alright! Energy’s still good!

CARLOS (calm, confident): I like where we’re at.

JERRY: Where are you at?!

CARLOS: Right where we need to be.

JERRY: This is where you need to be?!

STEVE: We’re close.

JERRY: Close to what?!

CARLOS: Turning it around.

ELAINE: I’m leaving before he “develops” anything else.

She exits.

Carlos smiles, unfazed.

CARLOS: Strong personality.

KNOCK—KRAMER bursts in.

KRAMER: Hey Jer, you got any—

He stops. Takes in the chaos. Dirt, water, broken lamp, Steve soaked.

KRAMER: …milk.

CARLOS (cheerful): Hey! Great timing.

KRAMER: I don’t think it is.

Kramer slowly backs toward the door.

KRAMER: I’ll get it somewhere else.

He exits immediately. Carlos is back looking at the plant.

CARLOS: It’s getting better. You just have to believe.

JERRY: I don’t believe in the dead plant!

Steve nods, completely convinced.

STEVE: It’s gonna bloom.

JERRY: You’re both insane.

CARLOS (checking his watch, upbeat): Alright, we should get going.

STEVE perks up immediately.

STEVE: Right! Big day.

JERRY: Big day?

STEVE: Big team meeting.

CARLOS: We’re going over projections.

JERRY: Projections?

STEVE: David’s got the numbers.

CARLOS (encouraging): It’s all trending the right way.

JERRY: Nothing s trending the right way!

STEVE (gesturing around): You’re too focused on the now.

STEVE heads to the door, energized.

STEVE: This is where it starts.

JERRY: This is where what starts?!

CARLOS (smiling): The turnaround.

STEVE: C’mon, Carlos. We don’t want to be late.

CARLOS (to Jerry, sincere): It’s gonna bloom.

Carlos exits.

STEVE follows, then pops his head back in.

STEVE: Keep an eye on those shoots!

He disappears.

Door closes.

Silence.

JERRY looks at the dead plant.

Beat.

He picks it up. A chunk of dirt falls off.

Can you believe its that time again?  And only $55!  With free shipping!

 

Winning does not follow Steve Cohen around.  Last night he was at the Knicks game and the Knicks were winning for most of the game….until the very end.  One could call it a collapse.

Friends,

I have been encouraged to issue a MENDOZA WATCH for the New York Mets.  This is stunning because usually we would start at a Mendoza Watch Watch (to see what the media is saying about a Mendoza Watch) or a Mendoza Watch Watch Watch (to see if the media had yet started writing about a Mendoza Watch)

With an off-day today and an 11 game losing streak, things COULD be dire.

The New York Post thinks people are going to pay to read: Carlos Mendoza is shouldering the blame for Mets’ ugly slide — but the biggest flops came above his pay grade.   People are not. We get the point.

NJ.com tells us: Mets players stand up for Carlos Mendoza amid dreadful stretch: ‘It’s not on him’   In that one we are told by Mendoza, ““I’m spending my energy to continue to manage, continue to lead, continue to coach, continue to support. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

Fan-booer Francisco Lindor adds, “He’s done a fantastic job. “This is not on him. He’s made sure everybody here is prepared, every coach here is prepared and we have the information. It comes down on us.”

The Athletic’s Will Sammon says, ““Somehow, Mendoza’s job status has morphed into a daily discussion when it shouldn’t be, based on observations from being around the team and an understanding of how the Mets operate,. He is in his third year as the Mets’ manager. Last year’s stench and the fact that he’s on the final guaranteed year of his contract make him an easy target for speculation.”

Former GM Jim Duqette thinks: “Do I think Carlos is on the hot seat right now? No. But if you get into a month from now or even less than a month from now, and you’re starting to see this team still play the way they are and still having the mental lapses and all of these struggles, I do think he’s going to be getting on the hot seat.”

Casino entrepreneur Steve Cohen has not tweeted since mentioning the Green Shoots.

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

JERRY is on the couch, casually flipping through channels. ELAINE sits at the table eating cereal straight from the box.

The door BURSTS open. STEVE storms in, wearing a Mets cap, disheveled, pacing like a man who hasn’t slept in days.

STEVE: Ten games. TEN. Do you know how hard it is to lose ten games in a row?

JERRY: Apparently… not that hard.

STEVE: You need pitching collapses, bullpen disasters, bad chemistry, injuries… it’s a symphony of failure.

ELAINE: Maybe the Mets are just bad.

STEVE: Even bad teams win by accident! You trip into a win! A bloop hit, somebody forgets how to catch…something!

ELAINE: you left out getting rid of all the players the fans liked.

JERRY: Are you saying the Mets are too good… to be this bad?

STEVE: Exactly!

KRAMER slides in.

KRAMER: Oh, it’s historic, Jerry. HISTORIC.

JERRY:  Yeah nice game by Brunson!

KRAMER:  No, not the Knicks. The Mets. The losing streak.

JERRY: You’re excited about the losing streak?

KRAMER: This is legacy stuff! You don’t get ten in a row every day. People remember streaks!

ELAINE: Yeah, winning streaks.

KRAMER: No, no—losing streaks too! Infamy! This is how you get documentaries.

STEVE (pointing): I don’t want a documentary!

KRAMER: Oh, you’re getting one. Dark music… slow zoom on your face…  Steve Gelbs asking “How did it all go so wrong?”

STEVE collapses onto the couch.

STEVE: All I wanted… was respect.

JERRY: You could’ve signed Yamamoto.

ELAINE: Or Ohtani.

NEWMAN (entering, already eating something): Or kept Nimmo.

KRAMER: Or re-signed Alonso.

STEVE (exploding): OH, I KNOW THE NAMES!

Beat.

ELAINE: So what’s the plan?

STEVE: The plan is… you build something sustainable.

JERRY: Sustainable losing?  You’ve nailed that.

STEVE: No! Sustainable winning!

NEWMAN: You know what this is? This is karma.

ELAINE: What was that thing about the green shoots? I didn’t get that

STEVE: You know… shoots.

ELAINE: Shoots?

STEVE: Yeah. Green shoots. That’s what I’m seeing.

ELAINE: You’ve lost ten in a row.

STEVE: But I’m seeing progress! A hit here… a walk there…

KRAMER: And then BOOM—Cubs three-run homer.

Kramer mimes a bat swing.

KRAMER: Opponent rounds the bases, and the crowd goes nuts.

NEWMAN: These aren’t green shoots… these are weeds.

STEVE: They are NOT weeds!

ELAINE: You’re getting outscored by a lot.

STEVE (doubling down): Look, baseball is about patience.

KRAMER: So is gardening… but eventually you gotta admit the plant’s dead.

JERRY: It’s decomposing.

STEVE (frustrated): You people don’t see what I see!

ELAINE: What do you see?

STEVE (gesturing wildly): A hit here! A walk there!

Beat.

JERRY: And then?

KRAMER: CRACK!

Kramer points like a ball flying out of the park.

KRAMER: Three-run homer.  Cubs win.

STEVE sinks into the couch.

STEVE: I had such hope for the shoots…

KRAMER (patting him): You gotta stop talking about the shoots.

ELAINE: No more shoots.

JERRY: Nobody believes in the shoots.

KRAMER: Yeah, you’re pushing too hard. Baseball likes a slow seduction.

NEWMAN (nodding): A courtship.

STEVE: I’m not courting baseball!

JERRY: Well, right now baseball has a restraining order.

Beat.

STEVE buries his face in his hands.

STEVE: Ten games…

KRAMER (suddenly inspired): You lean into it.

STEVE: Lean into it?

KRAMER: Oh yeah! Promotions! “Come see history!” Free hats if they lose eleven!

ELAINE: People love a spectacle.

JERRY: It’s like a car crash—you can’t look away.

STEVE (thinking): Free hats…

NEWMAN: I’d go for a hat.

STEVE: Eleven losses… free hats…

NEWMAN: and no fees.

STEVE (thinking):  no fees…

He slowly looks up, intrigued despite himself.

STEVE: You think people would come?

JERRY: Oh, they’d pack the place.

ELAINE: Nobody wants to miss rock bottom.

KRAMER: And if you win—

JERRY: I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

STEVE stands, energized.

STEVE: I gotta call marketing.

He rushes out.

Silence.

ELAINE: He’s gonna turn a losing streak into a giveaway.

JERRY: That’s when you know it’s bad… when failure has a sponsor.

NEWMAN: I still want the hat.

KRAMER: Oh, I’m getting two.

JERRY (shrugs): I’ll wait for them to lose twelve.

FADE OUT.