The Mets Police

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY – OCTOBER 2025

JERRY is on the couch flipping channels. ELAINE sits nearby eating takeout. There’s a strange scratching sound coming from the hallway.

JERRY: You hear that?

ELAINE: Sounds like someone trying to smuggle a squirrel through airport security.

The door BURSTS open. KRAMER slides in carrying a pet carrier covered with a blanket. NEWMAN follows, sweaty and nervous.

JERRY: Alright. What’s going on here?

NEWMAN: Nothing’s going on.

The carrier lets out a loud SCREECH.

ELAINE: That doesn’t sound like “nothing.”

KRAMER: Ohhh, that’s just little General Tso.

JERRY: You named a pet after mall food?

KRAMER: He’s fierce, Jerry. Fierce!

JERRY slowly stands.

JERRY: Kramer… are you involved in cockfighting?

Silence.

NEWMAN: You say it like it’s a bad thing.

ELAINE: OH MY GOD!

KRAMER: Ohhh, Elaine, come on! You’ve never seen it! The pageantry! The excitement! The feathers flyin’! The little shoes!

JERRY: Little shoes?!

KRAMER: Tiny little spur shoes, Jerry! These birds are athletes!

ELAINE: This is psychotic.

KRAMER: No, no, no, see, people misunderstand the whole culture. It’s community! It’s tradition! It’s strategy! You should SEE the scouting reports these guys put together.

JERRY: Scouting reports?!

KRAMER: Yeah, there’s this one guy Daveed.  He tracks wing span, aggression index, peck velocity…

The door opens. STEVE enters wearing a Mets hoodie and carrying coffee.

STEVE: Hey. Anybody see—

He notices the carrier.

STEVE: What’s that?

KRAMER:  Cockfighting.

STEVE freezes.

STEVE: …What?

KRAMER: Ohhhh yeah. Big underground scene. Very exclusive.

NEWMAN: You gotta know a guy.

KRAMER leans in dramatically.

KRAMER: Sugar Diaz is there.

STEVE nearly drops the coffee.

STEVE: Sugar Diaz?!

JERRY: The closer?!

ELAINE: Wait, your relief pitcher is into cockfighting?

KRAMER: Not just into it. He’s respected.

NEWMAN: One bird’s named “Fastball.”

STEVE paces.

STEVE: Oh this is terrible. TERRIBLE! I can’t have a cockfighter on the team!

JERRY: Why not? These guys need something to do in October to keep them busy.

STEVE: You don’t understand! If I don’t re-sign him now everybody’s gonna say I’m cheap!

KRAMER: Steve… Steve… this is an opportunity.

STEVE: Opportunity?!

KRAMER: You lean INTO it.

JERRY: No.

KRAMER: Ohhhh yeah. “Citi Field Cock Night.”

ELAINE: NO!

KRAMER: You bring in little rooster mascots. It’s like the Grimace but…birds.

ELAINE (outraged): O.M.G!

JERRY (under his breath): They tried that already.

KRAMER: Feather giveaways! Tiny spurs for the kids!

JERRY: Don’t encourage him!

KRAMER: You get Diaz throwin’ out the first bird—

INT. CITI FIELD OFFICE – LATER

DAVID sits across from STEVE reviewing spreadsheets.

DAVID: Actually… our analytics suggest rooster-related branding increases engagement among males twenty-five to forty-four.

STEVE: You see?!

DAVID: Also, concession sales spike around handheld meat products.

STEVE: We’re onto something here.

LAUREN FROM MARKETING rushes in horrified.

LAUREN: social media says we’ve trademarked “Queens Cock.”

STEVE: WE DID WHAT?!

CHAD THE SOCIAL MEDIA INTERN pokes his head in proudly.

CHAD: Queens Cock!  It was my idea!  It’s already trending!  The T-Shirt Guy says he has an idea for a design.

STEVE: We are NOT doing “Queens Cock.” Absolutely not.

LAUREN: Well the  hashtag IS testing extremely well with males eighteen to thirty-four.

STEVE: NO!

STEVE turns to DAVID.

STEVE: David. Give me something else for the bullpen. Something classy.

DAVID calmly flips through analytics printouts.

DAVID: Well… fan surveys indicate people respond positively to themes of intimidation, chaos, and industrial machinery. Our proposed rebrand is “The Queens Construction Zone.”

STEVE: Ohhhh, I like that.  They could wear constriction hats in the dugout.

DAVID: We also stop calling walks “walks.”

STEVE: What do you call them?

DAVID: Permit delays.

STEVE: Permit delays…

DAVID: And blown saves become “structural failures.”

STEVE: That’s good.  OK let’s do it. No more Diaz.  Now, talk to me about first base…

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Jerry is on the couch. Elaine flips through a magazine. Kramer is leaning out the window for no reason. Newman sits at the table eating something crunchy and mysterious.

ELAINE: Gas is five dollars again.

JERRY: Gas doesn’t even have numbers anymore. It’s just… vibes. You pull in, you brace yourself emotionally.

KRAMER: I like it high.

ELAINE: You like high gas prices?

KRAMER: Keeps the riffraff off the road.

JERRY: You are the riffraff.

(The door BURSTS open. STEVE storms in, Mets cap, out of breath but glowing.)

STEVE: He’s coming.

(Beat.)

JERRY: Who’s coming?

STEVE: Thor.

(Kramer gasps. Newman drops a cracker.)

KRAMER: Thor?!

NEWMAN: The arm…

ELAINE: The hair…

JERRY: The ERA…

STEVE: Show some respect! He’s coming over.

ELAINE: Here? Why?

STEVE: He’s consulting.

JERRY: On what?

STEVE: The ballroom.

ELAINE: What ballroom?

STEVE:  The new Citi Field ballroom.

JERRY: Why is there a ballroom?

STEVE: Because people won’t drive to the stadium anymore! Gas prices! You have to give them something extra!

ELAINE: Baseball is the something extra.

JERRY:  Did you consider not charging $50 for parking?

STEVE: This is premium. Chandeliers. Marble. Dancing.

KRAMER: I’m in.

STEVE: Thor gets it.

JERRY: Of course Thor gets it.

KNOCK KNOCK.

STEVE: That’s him. Everybody—be cool.

Kramer straightens up like he’s meeting royalty. Newman wipes his hands on Jerry’s couch.

Jerry opens the door.

Thor stands there, full Thor energy… and a bright red MEGA hat.

 

THOR: Hey.

JERRY: …Hey.

(THOR walks in casually.)

THOR: Nice place.

STEVE: Thor! Great to see you. Love the—uh—hat.

THOR: Says what it needs to say.

JERRY: It’s saying a lot.

STEVE: So I was telling them about the ballroom.

THOR: Ballroom’s a great idea.

ELAINE: You’re pro-ballroom?

THOR: Absolutely. Bring back tradition.

JERRY: Baseball tradition… or ballroom tradition?

THOR: Both.

KRAMER: Yes! Fusion!

NEWMAN: A merging of cultures.

ELAINE: What cultures?!

STEVE: Think about it  People drive out, they watch a game, then they dance.

JERRY: With gas at five bucks, they’re dancing all the way home too.

THOR: People need more than just the game.

KRAMER: Oh, you could get more of the dance team.! They  could teach dance classes between innings!

ELAINE: Between innings?!

JERRY: A slow waltz during a pitching change…

STEVE: You mock, but this is vision.

ELAINE: This is a wedding venue.

JERRY: Yeah, you’re registering for bullpen help.

THOR: You guys don’t get it.

JERRY: Oh, we get it. We just don’t want it.

(Beat.)

JERRY: Well… at least, Steve, you’re rich. You can pay for it.

STEVE: I’m not paying for it.

(Everyone turns.)

ELAINE: You’re not paying for your own ballroom?

STEVE: Why would I pay for it?

KRAMER: That’s a good question.

THOR:  We’ve got private donations.

JERRY: Private donations?

THOR: And Mexico.

(Beat.)

ELAINE: …Mexico?

JERRY: Mexico is paying for the ballroom?

THOR: That’s right.

STEVE: (nodding, like this makes perfect sense) Smart funding.

ELAINE: How is Mexico paying for a ballroom in Queens?

THOR: We put tariffs on WBC tickets.

JERRY: The World Baseball Classic?!

KRAMER: Ohhh, I like this.

ELAINE: You’re taxing baseball fans… to build a ballroom?

JERRY: You can’t just say “Mexico’s paying for it!”

THOR: They are.

JERRY: How do you know they are?!

THOR: They will.

JERRY: And what happens when Mexico doesn’t pay?

STEVE: Then we pivot.

JERRY: To what?!

THOR: You guys are too negative.

JERRY: We’re not negative—we’re grounded in reality!

STEVE: Look, the ballroom is happening.

ELAINE: With or without Mexico?

STEVE: Preferably with.

JERRY: And if the gas prices keep going up, no one’s even getting there!

STEVE: Enough. We’re going to Citi Field.

JERRY: To do what?

STEVE: To feel the ballroom.

THOR: You gotta feel it.

KRAMER: I’m feeling it!

NEWMAN: I’m swaying.

ELAINE: I’m staying.

(THOR adjusts his hat, confident.)

THOR: You either get it or you don’t.

JERRY: I don’t.

(STEVE, THOR, KRAMER, and NEWMAN head out.)

Door SLAMS.

(Beat.)

ELAINE: You think any of that made sense?

JERRY: It’s the Mets.

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

ELAINE is staring at a sad, shriveled plant.

ELAINE: What happened here?

JERRY (casual): Oh yeah… poor thing. I forgot to water it before I went on the road last week.

ELAINE: Forgot to water it? : It’s a plant! That’s the one thing it needs!

JERRY: It had a good run.

Sound effect: BUZZER

JERRY: Come on up.

ELAINE: Why is Steve coming over?

JERRY: He’s bringing a “friend.”

ELAINE: Oh no.

JERRY: Yeah.

DOOR OPENS.

STEVE enters in a Mets cap, overly upbeat. Behind him is CARLOS. smiling like everything in life is going perfectly.

STEVE: There he is!

JERRY: There he is…

STEVE: This is Carlos.

CARLOS (warm, optimistic): Great place. Love what you’ve got going here.

JERRY: You just got here.

CARLOS: I can feel it. Good things.

Carlos spots the plant and lights up.

CARLOS: Oh, look at this! You’ve got some life in here!

Steve grabs the dead plant and holds it up proudly.

STEVE: See? Green little shoots.

CARLOS leans in, nodding.

CARLOS: Yeah… yeah, I like this. This plant’s gonna be okay.

JERRY: No it’s not. It’s dead.

CARLOS (still smiling): I don’t see dead. I see potential.

JERRY: You’re looking at a corpse.

STEVE: How could it be dead? It’s only April. It’s got the whole summer to bloom!

JERRY: It’s not blooming! It’s done blooming!

CARLOS: You gotta give it time.

JERRY: Time for what? A funeral?

Carlos gently takes the plant from Steve… and immediately knocks over a glass of water on the table.

WATER spills everywhere—right onto Steve’s pants.

STEVE (not reacting at all): It’s fine.

JERRY: It’s not fine!

CARLOS: No problem. We’ll clean it up.

Carlos grabs a napkin—knocks over a bowl of snacks. Chips scatter everywhere.

STEVE (still upbeat): Happens! Things happen!

JERRY: Why are you okay with this?!

STEVE: It’s part of the process!

CARLOS (nodding): Exactly. You stay positive.

Carlos goes to set the plant down—misses the table completely. The pot drops. Dirt spills all over Steve’s shoes.

Beat.

STEVE (looking down, then back up, smiling): Little mess.

CARLOS: We’ll regroup.

JERRY: Regroup?!

CARLOS: You don’t focus on the spill, you focus on the next move.

JERRY: The next move is a mop!

Carlos pats Steve on the shoulder—knocking over a lamp. It wobbles… falls… crashes.

Long silence.

STEVE (clapping once, encouraging): Alright! Energy’s still good!

CARLOS (calm, confident): I like where we’re at.

JERRY: Where are you at?!

CARLOS: Right where we need to be.

JERRY: This is where you need to be?!

STEVE: We’re close.

JERRY: Close to what?!

CARLOS: Turning it around.

ELAINE: I’m leaving before he “develops” anything else.

She exits.

Carlos smiles, unfazed.

CARLOS: Strong personality.

KNOCK—KRAMER bursts in.

KRAMER: Hey Jer, you got any—

He stops. Takes in the chaos. Dirt, water, broken lamp, Steve soaked.

KRAMER: …milk.

CARLOS (cheerful): Hey! Great timing.

KRAMER: I don’t think it is.

Kramer slowly backs toward the door.

KRAMER: I’ll get it somewhere else.

He exits immediately. Carlos is back looking at the plant.

CARLOS: It’s getting better. You just have to believe.

JERRY: I don’t believe in the dead plant!

Steve nods, completely convinced.

STEVE: It’s gonna bloom.

JERRY: You’re both insane.

CARLOS (checking his watch, upbeat): Alright, we should get going.

STEVE perks up immediately.

STEVE: Right! Big day.

JERRY: Big day?

STEVE: Big team meeting.

CARLOS: We’re going over projections.

JERRY: Projections?

STEVE: David’s got the numbers.

CARLOS (encouraging): It’s all trending the right way.

JERRY: Nothing s trending the right way!

STEVE (gesturing around): You’re too focused on the now.

STEVE heads to the door, energized.

STEVE: This is where it starts.

JERRY: This is where what starts?!

CARLOS (smiling): The turnaround.

STEVE: C’mon, Carlos. We don’t want to be late.

CARLOS (to Jerry, sincere): It’s gonna bloom.

Carlos exits.

STEVE follows, then pops his head back in.

STEVE: Keep an eye on those shoots!

He disappears.

Door closes.

Silence.

JERRY looks at the dead plant.

Beat.

He picks it up. A chunk of dirt falls off.

Can you believe its that time again?  And only $55!  With free shipping!

 

Winning does not follow Steve Cohen around.  Last night he was at the Knicks game and the Knicks were winning for most of the game….until the very end.  One could call it a collapse.