What We Do In The Sheadows: are Vampires operating a baseball team in Queens?

What We Do In The Sheadows is a fictional documentary following the exploits of a group of vampires operating out of Queens, New York.

The vampires operate a baseball team for the purpose of sucking the life out of its fans.  The baseball team allows them to trick fans into gathering in large numbers, only to have the fans come away feeling miserable.

Long lines are one way the vampires suck the life out of you.  One of their best tricks is to give away cheap bobbleheads, but not open the gates.  Then the fans gather in large numbers for hours at a time, not realizing they are being drained of their energy.  The vampires will also create long lines near restrooms or at concession stands where the credit card wifi mysteriously doesn’t work.

Another way vampires can drain you of the will to live is through rain delays.

Humans do not react well to being cold and wet, so any time the vampires can plausibly pretend a baseball game will be played they will have their victims make their way to the lair where the fans are forced to sit outside for hours…getting colder, wetter, weaker.  You can almost hear the vampires salivating as you read this.

Recently, some vampire hunters have begun sneaking in Garlic and Silver into the lair using backpacks with multiple compartments.  This has resulted in the vampires being more cautious around fans.

FUN FACT:  Vampires do not like sunlight, which is why Saturday games are played at night.

The vampires even thrive on draining the strength of powerful athletes.

Strong men, the likes of Jason Bay, Robinson Cano, Yoenis Cespedes and Jed Lowrie find themselves going from being upper echelon players to suddenly being unable to play good baseball.  In the saddest cases, the players are forced to retire, completely drained of their strength.

The vampires also enjoy the company of politicians, sometimes using their powers of persuasion to get valuable land for a dollar.

Politicians should be very careful around vampires. One minute you’re a popular governor in your state, and before you know it, nobody likes you and even Trump won’t give you a job.

But those are not the vampires you should fear most.   The most dangerous of these vampires is the Broadcast Vampire.  Broadcast Vampires have powers so strong that they work through the airwaves.  You can be sitting on your couch miles and miles away and a Broadcast Vampire can suck the life out of you just by talking for a long time. A long long time.  Ten minutes later you will feel disoriented and not even connected to the game you were enjoying when the inning started.

Your best bet is to avoid the vampires.  Stay away, and do not let yourself get emotionally attached to the baseball team.  The vampires will slowly suck the life out of you for decades, turning you from an enthusiastic teenager into a grumpy middle aged person who hates everything.   Do not let them get to you.  Stay home and eat lots of garlic.   The vampires only get more powerful the more you let them.

 

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