Posts

Posted on

The West Coast Swing

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Steve: (excited):  The Mets are back baby!  The hottest team in baseball!

Jerry: (nodding) . It’s about time!

Steve: And guess what? I’m taking us all to Los Angeles on my private plane to see the Mets play the Dodgers!

[Kramer enters, wearing a Dodgers jersey and cap]

Kramer: Hey, guys! Ready for the big road trip?

Steve: (shocked) Kramer,  you can’t wear that!

Kramer: (confused) Why not? I love the Dodgers!

Steve: Because we’re taking the Mets’ private plane! You can’t show up in Dodgers gear!

Jerry: Kramer, I thought you were a Mets fan. Aren’t you in the 7 Line Army?

Kramer:  I like both teams.  I’m bi-fanual.

Jerry: (raises eyebrows) Bi-fanual? What’s that supposed to mean?

Kramer: (gesturing enthusiastically) It means I’m a fan of both teams, Jerry. I appreciate the artistry and athleticism on both sides of the field. It’s a beautiful thing.

Steve: (intrigued) You know, Kramer might be onto something here. Maybe being bi-fanual is the future of sports fandom.

Jerry: (to Steve, incredulously) Don’t tell me you’re buying into this.

Steve: (shrugging) I’m just saying, it’s an interesting concept. Could be good for business, too. More fans means more ticket sales.


[Steve takes out his cell phone and dials the number of Chad, the Mets social media intern.]

Chad: (answering the phone) Mr. Steve! What’s up, boss?

Steve: Chad, I want you to send out a tweet from the Mets account about embracing bi-fanualism.  The Mets welcome ALL fans.

Chad: . I’ll handle it, Mr. Steve.

Steve: Great! I’m counting on you, Chad.

INT. METS PRIVATE PLANE – DAY

Pete: (noticing Kramer) Hey, man, what’s with the Dodgers gear?

Kramer: (grinning) Oh, I’m just showing my appreciation for both teams. I’m a bi-fanual!

Pete: (intrigued) Bi-fanual? What’s that?

Kramer: It means no matter who’s playing. It’s all about the love of the game!

[Pete nods, considering the idea.]

Pete: You know what? I like that.

[Kramer and Pete continue chatting, hitting it off. Jerry and Elaine exchange surprised looks.]

Elaine: (to Jerry) Looks like Kramer’s made a new friend.

Jerry: (nodding) Yeah, who would’ve thought? Kramer and Pete, bonding over being bi-fanuals.

[As the plane lands in Los Angeles, Kramer and Pete are deep in conversation.]

Kramer: (excitedly) Hey Pete, have you ever tried wearing butter shoes?

Pete: (confused) Butter shoes? What are those?

Kramer: Oh, it’s a game-changer. You coat your shoes with butter, and it makes you slide faster on the field. I learned it from a Dominican guy named Jimmy.

Pete: (intrigued) Really? That sounds crazy, but if it works…

INT. METS PRIVATE PLANE – EVENING AT LAX

[Jerry is scrolling through his phone, while the plane taxis]

Jerry: (to Elaine) Take a look at this tweet from the Mets’ account!

Elaine: (leaning over to look) What does it say?

Jerry: (reading aloud) “It’s time to be a bi-fanual! Swing the bat from both sides of the plate at Citi Field!”

INT. DODGER STADIUM HALLWAY – NIGHT

[Jerry and Steve are walking through the hallway when Jerry notices a group of Japanese men approaching from the opposite direction.]

Jerry: (to Steve) Hey, aren’t those Ohtani’s agents?

Steve: (panicking) Oh no, they can’t see me here! Quick, can I hide behind you?

[Steve tries to duck behind Jerry, but it’s too late. The agents have already spotted him.]

Agent 1: (smiling politely) What a surprise to see you here at Dodger Stadium.

Steve: (nervously) Oh, hi guys! I’m just here to support the game, you know?  I’m bi-fanual!

Agent 1: (smiling) We have no doubt.

Agent 2:  It is always good to show support, even when your team attendance is… struggling.

Agent 1:  (nodding) I am sure with your leadership, it will… improve.

[Jerry raises an eyebrow, sensing the backhanded nature of their comments.]

Agent 2: (smiling)  We have no doubt that you’re doing your best. it must be challenging to compete with teams like the Dodgers.

Agent 1: (bowing)   Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have some business to attend to.

Agent 2:  As we are sure that you have some agents to call.

[The agents walk away, leaving Steve looking deflated]

Jerry: (to Steve) Wow, they really know how to throw a polite punch, don’t they?

Steve: (sighing) Yeah, that’s the Japanese style. Insult you with a smile.

As Jerry and Steve walk away, the Japanese agents overhear Steve’s comment about their “insult you with a smile” style.]

Agent 1: (in Japanese) Did you hear what he just said about us?

Agent 2: (in Japanese) How dare he mock our cultural communication style! After him!

INT. DODGER STADIUM – NIGHT

[The Mets and Dodgers are in the middle of an intense game. Pete steps up to the plate, wearing his butter shoes. Kramer is in the stands, cheering him on.]

Kramer: (shouting) Come on, Pete! Show them what those butter shoes can do!

[Pete nods to Kramer and gets ready to swing. The pitcher throws, and Pete hits a grounder towards third base.]

Gary:  Pete hits a sharp grounder to third! He’s going to have to hustle to beat the throw.

[Pete starts running but immediately slips and falls due to the butter on his shoes. He tries to get up but keeps slipping comically.]

Posted on

Catching up on various Mets items

ITEM:  From Paul Lukas at Uni Watch

The Mets (retired) Dwight Gooden’s No. 16 on Sunday….. (they) prepared for the festivities by mowing a big “16” into the outfield grass — including a big serif at the base of the “1” — for this weekend’s series against the Royals.

Just one problem: Gooden never wore a Mets uniform with a base-serifed “1.” In fact, with the possible exception of special occasion one-offs, no Met has worn a base-serifed one since 1981, or at any time on a home uniform. (Gooden’s rookie year was 1984.)

ITEM:  Whitey Herzog has passed away

I wish Whitey could have managed in the 2020s.  His style of baseball would have dominated against teams standing around hoping Pete Alonso could hit a home run.  Interestingly, some of the recent rule changes were to bring back the steal and to get the ball put in play more.  Whitey would have been great ta that.

I also loved/hated his gamesmanship.  I love gamesmanship, I just hated that he used it against those Mets teams in the 1980s.

Whitey also made tremendous contributions to the Mets organization, but those were before my time, so I am undereducated on them.

ITEM:  The Mets have really goofed up their brand.

There was a time when I would have spent Sunday afternoon gathering material for a Gooden Retirement post.  As it turned out, I had other things to do in my personal life on Sunday so I wound up barely mentioning it.  I didn’t read any stories about it.  I didn’t watch any clips.  I just don’t care, and I used to care.  I haven’t been blogging since 2008 because I don’t care – but somewhere along the way the Mets made me not care – and I think it’s because they let Pete Alonso vulgarize the brand, and they not only didn’t DFA Lindor when he told the fans to buzz off, they actually market the guy.  So Mets, you do you, I’ll be over here not caring.

ITEM: Mets City Connect jersey.

On a similar note, you should see my closet.  I even own a Mets Civil Rights Game jersey do you?  The idea that a new jersey is coming out should interest me, even if I think I will hate it.  But same note as the Gooden thing.  The Mets have somehow made me not care.

Now, here’s the thing, I don’t seem to be alone.  Have you seen the attendance numbers?  Have you seen the empty seats in the t-shirt section?  Something is broken in Queens – or maybe I am just right and baseball IS dead for a variety of reasons.  Even John Sterling’s given reason for suddenly retiring is that he doesn’t enjoy it any more (although at 85, I wonder if that is actually why.)

Anyway, you guys can now spend the afternoon telling me to STFU and to retire my blog and all that, but I am committed with the mission which is to encourage the Mets to win the World Series while nicely dressed.  Its seems as if Uncle Steve doesn’t share that plan on either end.